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During a marital separation, I went to a priest to seek spiritual guidance. I was not, am not, Catholic, yet an acquaintance had recommended I see him. This kind, gentle, and spiritual man I felt to be one who was beyond his role as priest, a true holy man, and humble. He said, "Brian, you know in our church, marriage is till death do you part." He advised me to keep loving my spouse, even if we never got back together, and accept any suffering resultant as my part in the sufferings of Christ. He was not taking my side, never did, he remained neutral. He was only telling me my responsibility toward my wife, whom I had taken holy vows with and before God. He told me God does not call us to be happy, but to be faithful.
I was familiar with the Christian practice of allowing ourselves to identify our sufferings with Jesus' sufferings, and I was aware faithfulness was, indeed, the call for a true, spiritual Christian - not happiness. I knew, after I left seeing this priest, faithfulness toward my wife was a priority over my feelings in the separation and potential failure to reunite. Yet, I did not just accept the priest's words, I held them in my heart, and in prayer, in silence, to confirm his guidance or lead otherwise. I had never been called upon to practice this in such a personal, painful way. Yet, I sensed the Holy Spirit so strongly through the priest's words, I was sure the Divine was speaking through him.
What he was saying was not about my protecting myself from sadness and pain, trying to get my wife back, winning a contest of who's wrong-who's right, ... Anyway, responding from a spiritual orientation and psychological is not the same. And the Spirit lifts us out of personal drama in relationship with others, to a different space, a Grace space. Basically, he was saying, as a Christian, "You, even in this, are to act like a Christlike being, a loving one - which to me is the same - man and husband, regardless ...."
See, he was pointing me beyond any personal understanding of love, or a love defined only within marriage. He was pointing me to Love-in-Christ, and in Revelation 3:20, of the Christian Scriptures: "Look, I stand at the door, if anyone hears my voice calling and opens the door, I will come in, and that one will enjoy meal fellowship with me and I with that one" - apropos, for inviting one to the table was a sign of warm welcome, of one deserving of hospitality, even if it were a stranger, even an enemy, even two who had vowed love and fidelity to one another now estranged from one another.
Well, I followed his guidance, and that of my own heart. What ensued was what I could call at that time the greatest miracle of my life. I, through letting go fully of every self-agenda, even my efforts to save the marriage, entered a continual state of Divine Love no longer defined as marital, mine, ours, ... There was a full, free, joyful commitment to my wife, our marriage, and myself within both, without any need to do anything but be true to my wife and our vows to one another.
Several months later, I shared this experience with a friend. I groped mentally for a way to describe it. The best I could come up with is, "It was Heaven." Indeed, of all my spiritual experiences, this felt the closest to the fullness of Heaven.
Did such love save the marriage? Did such fidelity prevail? See, again, we try to pull our loving another into objectives that can be defined in the success-failure formula, and as though we believe Divine Love can do what we want It to. This can be a real trick to get caught in, if we are not careful, "If I only love, truly love, I can change the person." ..."I can get her, or him, to love me in return." No. And your efforts to use Love to change the other may be an evidence you are not relating with the other in Divine Love. Again, see - take note! - Love is not here merely to serve us, we are here to serve Love. Even in a vowed relationship like marriage, the final good is not that two remain together, rather that Love be served for the good of both. If Love is served, both are served, as well.
Yet, Revelation 3.20 and the Gospel, each shows us a Love that so respects freedom that It will not "prevail" upon anyone, not in the sense of overcoming by aggression. This Love will not open the door, but It will knock on the door. So, we see the Christ knocking, not barging in, not begging, only inviting to be invited in. That is Love.
The estrangement was not healed. I waited many months, but not waiting in the sense of any agenda for the marriage to resume. I vowed to myself, to my God, that I had vowed to be with this one until death, and I would not be disloyal to her or the vows. One day, I heard a knock at my door. A summons. I never went to the court, did not have to, was invited to. I declined. Yes, the forgiveness was a pathway of over five years. The vows are no more, neither on paper binding, nor binding my heart.
And someone was healed by choosing not to abandon one or the promises, the hope and yes to be together and love loyally till death do us part. The Love that held me true in my heart to my ex-spouse, that Grace worked a healing within me. Today, I can say "I love" her, not as ex-wife, but as she is, a human being. And I learned more fully, our ultimate loyalty is not to someone, but to the Love that allows us to vow our heart to in the first place.
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